Pivotal Moments

Last night at 1:40am my loving brother decided to call me – perfect timing, thanks champ!! I didn’t get to the phone in time in my sleep induced state, and listened to his voicemail instead.  Thankfully it wasn’t anything urgent, he was just up for a chat.  But it got me thinking about the other phone calls I’ve received at that ungodly hour and what they’ve meant.  There have been a couple of them, and 2 in particular have been the most dreaded, and evidently lead to this post.

In life there are pivotal moments that change everything. Some for the better, some for the worse, some without any sudden consequence but the aftermath can be catastrophic.  2010 was one of those years for me.  It was without a doubt the toughest year of my existence.  But I have come out the other side and 5 years on, life continues. 

I wrote the below post on the 27^th January 2010.  Writing has always been one of my coping mechanisms, and on that day it was one of the many ways I tried to deal with the pivotal moment that changed my world. I'm not entirely sure why I've chosen to share this with you today, but an overwhelming sense of needing to has me doing it.... so here you go...

What Do you Do…..?

You sit there, the words exiting the phone and entering your brain. You know you've heard right, but you still question what's been said. Your mind becomes confused, and starts racing in every direction. You answer with standard replies "Ahuh....yep....Ok...". Although you know you have to process the words into a meaning you search for the right one. And then it hits you. Like a car hitting a brick wall. Like the unsuspecting slap to the face that it is. The emotions begin. You can feel it swelling in your throat, you chest tightens, your voice waivers, you blink, waiting for the water works to begin. They don't. You continue with the conversation in a blank state until the words have been said and you know it's time to hang up. You stare at the phone and want to throw it. But don't. The thoughts in your mind still racing. The irrational ones start to slip in. And then the selfish ones appear. This isn't about you, yet you still have your selfish thoughts about how you will be affected.  You look around the tiny room your in. Look at the carpet, at the glass sliding door, checking to see if anyone has seen your reactions so far, and if you look normal. You know as soon as you leave that tiny space it all becomes a reality. You decide to stay in there a while longer, to let it sink in. But what needs to sink in doesn't want to. How can it? And again it doesn't make sense. You want to scream. But don't. You haven't cried. You feel guilty for not crying yet. Why haven't you cried? This isn't the place to cry. These people don't need to see that. You don't want them to see that.  You wait a little longer thinking the emotion will kick in physically soon, hoping that it does to make you feel normal. Don't normal people cry at times like these? Why haven't you cried? The mental fight continues but doesn't get any easier. You know it's time to face the reality. You have to leave the room. You have to get some air. You feel the suffocation of it all begin to choke you. Let me out. I need to be away from here. I need air.  You slowly slide the door open, you wander to your desk, grab you glasses and wallet and head outside for the air you were gasping for. As soon as you feel the breeze on your face it really hits you. The reality is horrible. It hurts so much more than you could ever imagine. The tears start. You're normal. You thank yourself for having enough brains to grab your glasses. They can help shield the tears. They help shield the pain. You look around for the familiar face you know is coming for you. It's there. You feel safe. You let out the pain the instant he touches you. The tears are unstoppable. You go back to thinking your abnormal. The thoughts start to calm themselves. You look into that face you know will be there when it all goes bad and hope it never goes away. You feel relief. You feel guilt. You feel sad. You feel heartbroken. You still feel pain. But it will subside soon....won't it.....?

At least that's what I did today when I found out my mother has 6 months to live.

Reflections & Realisations

I was at 1^st Birthday Party a couple of months ago when I met up with a friend I don’t get to see very often.  He said something that has stuck with me ever since, and gave me a bit of a warm glow. Although his tone was almost like he was telling me off, I took what he said as quite a compliment;

“When are you going to write something again? I don’t care what it’s about, but can you please just write something again? I really like your style of writing, it’s a good read.”

So I’ve sat on this statement for the last 3 months, pondering what to write.  It’s been hard to try and put in to words what I have felt about my journey on this blog… and the fact that I haven’t updated it in a year.

Firstly, I’m going to get out of the way the fact that did not reach my initial goal.  I did not loose the 20kg I had set to loose.  I fluctuated between loosing 5-7kg for the entire year.  But can I tell you what did happen, I learnt so much about myself and the process of what I was trying to achieve that by the time my wedding came around, I did not give two figs about what I weighed and nor did my husband.  My wedding day was and still is one of the absolute happiest days of my life.  The ones we love surrounded us, and they got to witness the love we have for each other, which after all is the whole point.  I wore a dress that was hand made with love, and fit my shape perfectly. I could not have been happier that day, and I now know that my weight was never a factor to my happiness.  Yes, weighing less is still something I am working towards, but for my health, not because I think my husband will be happier with a skinnier version of me.

There are many things that have happened over the last 12 months, and Personal Development and growth are just 2 of those things, but they’re probably the most important. 

*I have changed jobs, and grown to realize that my health & happiness is far more important than any job, and trying to please the people you work for with their unrealistic expectations will never lead to the things I was truly looking for. 

*I have learnt there is no single way to parent and that what I do is neither wrong or right, it’s just my way.  And what works for me is what matters to me, what works for you is what matters to you. And that difference of opinions in parenting is just that, a difference of opinion.   The way another person parents is completely up to them, and until it impacts me and my family directly then it’s absolutely no business of mine what they get up to.

*I have learnt that I am not a “hands on” Mother.  Perhaps that’s not the right word for it, but I’m struggling to find the correct word. I certainly get in there and do my bit, but I am fortunate enough to have a husband who does his equal share if not more.  The saying “it takes a whole village to raise a child” is so true in my world.  We have laid some very important foundations for what we believe is important for our little girl, but we are certainly open to her experiencing more than what we can give her.

* I have learnt to be more open… to everything!  Earlier this year, I let myself be open enough to listen to an idea that I would have previously dismissed in the blink of an eye.  But instead, I sat, I listened, I took in what was around me, and with that I have started a new business that I never imagined I would be part of.  Since starting this business I have never been happier. I feel like I’ve found what I was looking for, that I have finally found my place. It’s a strange feeling being so certain about something, but I’m certain this is where I’m meant to be and what I’m meant to be doing.

* I have learnt that family is not always those that are your blood relatives.  We are lucky to be surrounded by some beautiful people that mean the absolute world to us. These people are such a huge part of our lives, and we will always see them as our family.

Secondly, on this Mother’s Day, I want to write about my Mum.  As some of you know, my Mum, Bev, passed away from Cancer in 2010.  She was just 57 years old.  But in her short 57 years, she achieved many great things.  And it’s these things that have made me realize what’s really important to me.

My Mum was one of the people that seemed to lack the filter between brain and mouth.  She rarely thought before she spoke and would often offend people with her careless choice of words.  However, what’s important to know about my Mum is that she didn’t have a mean bone in her body.  She never once said something to intentionally hurt someone, she just didn’t realize what she was saying could hurt someone’s feelings.   I think I have a certain amount of this feature in me.  I am often referred to as “direct”.  Very true, I will always tell it like it is.  But just like my Mum, it’s not to hurt people.  I’ve always thought that honesty is the best policy, and pussyfooting around the truth is never going to help anyone. 

Mum was a homebody.  She loved staying in on the weekends and doing her sewing or knitting or cooking or whatever project she had on the go.  My memories of weekends at home are filled with the sounds of Mum’s sewing machines, the smells of something delicious cooking in the oven or on the stove, and the peace that it all brought her.  We live a life that seems to fill up our weekends going here there and everywhere.  We don’t often have a weekend at home, but when we do I try to bring about the peace I remember Mum had in her home.  I cook some of her favorite meals, and although I can’t sew I try to do something creative of my own.  It’s these simple things that help to reset me and bring me the peace I’m looking for.  It’s taken me a while to realize it, but my Mum was on to a good thing.

I can remember growing up some of the things my Mum used to say to us as kids, and I find myself saying those same things to my daughter now.  Once upon a time this would have been a frightening thing, “oh no, I’m turning into my mother!”  But when you don’t have a mother, just her memories, trying to emulate her is such an important part of keeping those memories alive.  If I am half the mother that my own Mum was to me, then I think I’m doing OK.

My Mum had a beautiful soul.  She was truthful, she was real, she was basic, she was rare, and she was my Mum.  And this year, just like every year, I miss her and thank her for the love she gave me and gifts in life she taught me.  Because of her, I am a Mother who squeezes her daughter just a little bit tighter every night, just incase she needs an extra bit of love. 

Finally, I've decided to keep this blog going, and the name will remain the same because each year I feel like a new me arises.  I'm not that same person I was from one year to the next.  It won't be about weight loss but it will be about me and the changes life brings my way.  

Warm love and happiness to you all xx